conversations with Major: boring

Week 3 (of vet-prescribed rest)

I'm bored. 

I know, but you have a hurt leg and are supposed to be resting

I ran around the pasture today.

Yes, they told me. You're not supposed to!

I couldn't take it anymore!

Ok, let's go for a walk. 

Stop stopping. 

But there is something!

No, there isn't.

I think we should turn back.

Don't do it buddy.

Ouch, lots of sticker bushes grabbed me!

Yes, now stay back there.

But I like being in the front.

You were not being a good leader. 

Fine. It's boring back here. 

Boring can be good. 

No. Carrots are good. Apples are good. Boring is boring. 

Week 4

Stand on the manhole

There's a man in there?! Scary!

No, but there are evil clowns (reminder: never read Stephen King's "It" again). Just stand.

Fine, this is dumb. I only have to do this when you're riding. 

No, you have to do it when I ask. 

Boring. 

Week 5

Look at all the things!

It's boats on the water Major. 

Going fast, making music, so much fun!

Want to stand and watch awhile?

Yes, this is not boring!

Ok, time to head back. Please stop creeping up and breathing down my back

I'm not.

You are, you're right there!

Backing up...nope, not me!

Walk on.

(Hot breath)

Knock it off!

It's boring back here. And you're not very scenic. 

Excuse me?

Nothing. 

Week 6

Wait, I need this!

There is nothing in there dude.

Could be, gotta check.

Come on, let's stay out of the neighbor's hay bag. 

What's in here?

Not your stuff, leave it.

Could be tasty?

I wouldn't pull that string Major. Are you a dog?

Could be food?

I don't think so. 

Not grass.

Yeah, it's just a green wire. How about we stay out of the neighbors trash?

Week 7

Time for a short ride Major, behave. 

Always. 

Um, no, but let's try. 

The lake, the lake!

I know, your favorite trail is back from being underwater!

Let's go!

No, just walking. 

That is boring.

Just a bit longer, but if you want we can play in the lake?

Let's go!

Ok, here we are. 

Love the lake! So much fun. Not boring!

Not too deep! Stop pawing!

Can't hear you, I'm snorkeling!

Glad you're not bored Major. 

want more silliness? Here are more conversations with Major.

conversations with major: high alert

Just a walk today.
Yesterday was fun.
I know, you had a bit too much fun.
I got to run!
Yes, let's just walk today.
Look, something is next door. I see it!
Sure, you still have to come.
Fine.

Up this hill.
Why are you so slow? Let's go!
It's steep and it's hard for my out-of-shape self. You complain, you go in front, I'll tail you up this hill.
OK! Mmm, grass.
No, walk on.
Walk, walk, walk, mmm, grass.
No stopping.
Walk walk walk, more grass.
OK, forget it.

This way.
No Major, we're not heading home yet.
This way.
Get over here.
You know, you're going the wrong way.

Mmm, snacks!
No, don't eat the poison oak!
You ruin all my fun.

Alert! Something is up there!
Yes, it's a truck.
Something! I see it! And hear it.
Again, just a truck, keep walking.
Hey look, it's a truck!
Sigh....

Why are we stopping up here?
Beginners hill is HARD to climb, I need a rest.
I know, that is why I need to stop too when I am climbing up it.
No, you don't, it's pretty easy for you.
But I can snack here, right? At the top.
Go ahead.

Back down the other side.
Going home, going home dance.
No, just walk.
Let's go over here and try to eat…
No, let's get a bit father before another snack.

Alert! Something up there!
Yeah, I see some people on the trail.
Something! People!
Yes Major.
People!
We see people all the time. Keep walking and maybe we'll catch up to them.

Alert! Spotted dragon ahead!
It's an appaloosa.
Spotted dragon in the trees!
No, it's a horse.
Hey look, a horse. And people.
Yeah, Let's not make them nervous by standing here where they can't see us!
Let's go see them!
Sigh...

And we're almost back.
One more bite? 
You've been saying that all along.

Something is back there!
Yes, it's the people and horse we just passed. Remember?
Hey, it's the horse we just passed! Whatever, it's not that interesting.
I know, lets go home.

One more bite here. This is the best stuff.
I agree that it looks like the best.
Nom, nom, nom.
OK, time to go,
I can't walk with my mouth full.
Is that why I still can't teach you to grab bites as we go along?
Yes, I'm a gentlemen. We don't walk with our mouths full.
Umm, thats TALK with your mouth full.
No it's not, not for horses.

Dinner is waiting, back into your pasture.
Alert! My dinner is ready! Open, open, open the gate!
You have to wait and behave, then I'll open the gate.
Behaving is SO hard. Standing still, standing still...
Good boy, here you go.
Dinner!

Dinner! Run, get to the chopper!

conversations with Major: I'm cool

Mom mom mom…
What Major.
Look what I found on the ground!
Oh, some mountain bikers glasses, I'll put them on a post, they can hopefully find them.
No, no, put them on me!
Um, they're too small.
But they're sooo cool! I want to be cool.
Ok, like this.

No, that is not cool. Old people wear it like this. The cool way.
Like this?
Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Take my picture.
How's this?

No, I look dumb.
Well, you're trying to eat the camera.
Ok, do it again.
How's this.

Oh yeah, I'm cool. I'm like "yeah, whatever..."
Yeah, you're the hippest horse around Major.
I know, that is why they call me Major D. Take another picture, I'll totally pose this time.
There you go, what do you think?

So awesome! That is totally my album cover. I am so great.
You look a bit furry in this, I swear your winter coat is just now coming in.
Can you fix it, make me look even cooler?
Sure. I house you, feed you, give you treats, take you on adventures, walks for grass, I'll just do some Photoshop work and make an album cover too.
Yeah, do that. I'll be famous.
Ok, horses don't get sarcasm. If you're famous I guess you should just go on tour then.
Would I miss dinner? They just served my dinner.
Yeah, you'd miss dinner.
Nevermind, lets just go get my dinner.
Whatever you say rock star.

 (I obviously have way too much time on my hands…)

conversations with major: good boy

Let's go.
blank stare.
Come on.
But it is SO close to dinner! I can hear the dinner truck. 
Yeah, I've been trapped in my office all day, so too bad, let's go.
Ok, fine.

Keep walking.
Grass.
Keep walking.
More grass.
Move it!
You don't have to be so mean, I AM starving you know.
Stop pouting.

Let's walk this way, up the hill.
Home is that way.
I know, but we're going up the hill.
Longing look.
You're not fooling anyone, we're just going to circle around.
Fine. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

Now down the hill.
Prance, prance.
Um, excuse me? Stay back.
Prance prance.
Back it up!
Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot.
OK.
Prance prance.
Stop it.
But I'm back here, not in your space!
We're just walking down the hill.
YOU were, I was dancing, 
sigh...

Look, creatures, let's watch them.
I see, the deer family is pretty hidden.
Look at them look at me.
Is this a staring contest?
What? Huh?
Nevermind. Now let's go back this way.
I'd rather go this way.
Really? Ok, fine.
What, I win? 
Sure, that is the long way home.
But there is grass over here. 
OK, have a snack.

Now we're done, heading home. Let's practice tailing up this hill.
I'm in charge!
Just walk.
This is awesome!
Ok, turn here. Now we can try a slow trot.
Huh, what? What are you asking? Oh, trot! Now I get it! Weee!
Easy, good boy, slow trot.
I'm winning!
Ok, that's enough.
But we just got started.
Yeah, but I'm outta shape for running.
That wasn't running!
It was for me, I can't go much faster.
2 slow legs, I'm sorry.
It's ok, that's why I have you.

Ok, enough practice. It's getting dark, this trail is narrow, I should lead.
I can see, I know the way home.
I know, but I'm in charge again.
Fine, as long as we go home soon.
We can still jog home though.

THUD!
Is this a new trick?
Ughhhh…
Why are you down there?
Owww…
How long do I have to stand here? It's almost dinner.
Ugh. Ok, I can get up now.
Can we go now?
Just wait.
I've been waiting
Yeah, we'll I'm covered in mud, it wasn't on purpose!
You fell? I thought it was a new test! Oh, falling is not good.
Yeah, I know. But you're a good boy and didn't step on me.
I would be in SO much trouble!
You would, but you're good. Lets go home and get you dinner.
I'm a good boy.
Yes, you are.
Thanks for taking care of me.
Ditto.

conversations with major: santa who

Let's go for a walk Major, we're burning daylight!
Yeah, I like this new plan!
What plan is that?
Walking every day, eating grass, getting my mash, sleep, repeat.
Well, eventally you'll do a little more than that.
Why?
Well, the Solstice is almost here.
WHERE?! I can't see it!
No, it's tomorrow. A day to celebrate the changing season, daylight is returning, and, well, the world may end.
OK.
What, just OK?
Sure. Do I still get my mash?
Yes.
Then OK.

Another grazing day, another grazing day.
Stop dancing. You have to get a hoof trim. Stand still.
Boring. Oh, some horsey crack, yum!
Yes, here is some alfalfa, now stand nicely.
OK, no problem!

Trim is done, now we can go for a quick walk.
Let's keep walking and eating, it's a beautiful day!
I know, and I totally want to ride, but I haven't bought a single gift, and I took the day off work to go shopping.
Riding?
No, shopping.
Boring. Let's go explore.
I can't, maybe Santa will get you something.
Who is this Santa?

Only extra special good horses get presents from Santa.
I'm extra special.
Oh you're special all right. I said good, too.
I'm good.
Oh really.
Yeah, good at eating.
Well, that's true, but you weren't very good on our last ride.
Yes I was, I ate a good mash.
Remember before that?
Nope.
When we rode to Avery Pond with Ziggy?
Oh yeah, I hate that guy.
You do not.
I DO. He is really annoying.
And you aren't? I seem to remember you being so silly coming home in the lead that Ziggy had to be in front with good behavior.
Well I remember that my mash had grass hay pellets, yum!
Sigh...

Mom? You said something about a present.
Yeah, from Santa. You get stuff from me all the time.
Who is this Santa guy?
He brings presents to good creatures.
How do I know it's him and not Chris, the feed guy? He brings me yummy stuff too. I like him. He calls me Major D. I'm a rap star.
Well, Santa wears a red suit and hat, and a big belt, and black boots and is fat with a beard, and laughs "ho, ho, ho!"
Sounds scary. Like a clown.
He's not a clown. Clowns are scary, Santa is not scary. Oh wait, he kind-of is...

WEEEEE! weeeee!
You're pretty full of it Major, be good.
I'm tired of being in my pasture, I want to run around on the trails!
You can run around in your pasture.
It's not the same.
Hopefully soon, but it's getting dark, I need to go home, see my other spoiled creature.
Oh yeah, the cat. You let HER get away with everything.
She is cute, and tiny. You are obnoxious, and big.
But cute.
You're just too much, Major.
Too much? I can never get too much, I love grass.
Sigh...

Thomas kitty helping lick the beaters, the best part. Don't worry, they get washed well!

One last bite.
It's very dark, your dinner will be served. The mash is waiting.
It can wait, this is delicious.
I know, but let's go back and wait for Santa.
When is he coming?
In a few days, be a good boy.
I am.
I know.

conversations with major: spa day

Hey buddy!
What are you doing here? You were here already when I got my feet cut off.
You got a foot trim, and were a little bit of a jerk.
I try to pull my foot away when I think he's going to cut my foot off.
You know the trimmer, he is a nice guy. He hasn't cut your foot off yet.
But he COULD! I am being cautious.
Right. OK, Let's go.

Oh good! You don't have riding pants on, so I just get to eat grass.
Not exactly.
What do you mean?
Just stand here. Put these on your feet.
But I got new orange boots last week. I like my orange go-fast boots. These are ugly clunky, NOT fashionable. Ah, now they have water in them!
Just a quick soak after a new trim, gets any yucky stuff out.
Whatever. Not interested anymore. Carrot?
You have to stand for awhile and be patient.
You always say this "pay-shunce." I think you should pay someone else, I don't like to stand here.
Good, because we'll be done in a few minutes.

Done, yeah, we're done, let's eat grass. Wait, I don't want to go over there. 
It's the last warm day of the year.
Not sure what that has to do with anything...oh look, a snack!
It's some bribery for after...
I don't know what this "bribery" is, but it looks like my new favorite snack, alfalfa cubes, oh boy. Gimme! Wait, after?

I am wet.
I know.
But I see my snack. Is it "after" now?
Sorry, no.

I am not talking to you.
It's not that bad Major.
I was wet, which was bad enough, Now I have poison on me.
It's soap.
It is scary white stuff.
But you'll be SO nice and clean after.
hmff!

Get it off. I can see it. And I am still wet. The poison will kill me.
Not dead yet!
It's not funny.
I think it is, sorry buddy, one bath a year, you'll be fine.

Here you go, though you were a bit dramatic.
Oh, my treat! Yum! nom, nom, nom.
See, that wasn't so bad, right?
Can't hear you, I'm eating, I haven't eaten all day.
You still had some hay in your slow-feeder when I got here, leftover from breakfast.
Oh, that hay, it wasn't GOOD wet stuff, plus it was in the torture net.
You eat just fine from the net.
It takes me longer than EVERYONE else to eat.
Well Major, you're just special then.
I know.

Let's just go for a walk, and you can dry off.
Let's eat here.
OK.
This is the best stuff, but I can barely reach it!
There is plenty all over.
THIS stuff is good. It is UNDER the fence, can't you see?
Not especially Major, you horses are weird.

Behave yourself, and you can eat out here.
Out here! In the runway?
Do NOT think of it as a runway Major, it is the chute between pastures, You can only stay here if you behave.
This is the BEST grass.
It is the same weeds in your pasture 50 feet away.
Nope, these are better. I'll behave.
I've heard that before. But you need to dry a bit more.
Why?
Just because.

Time to go back now.
But I haven't finished eating all the grass in the runway.
There is too much for one day, maybe later.
Is NOW, later?
No buddy, sorry. Back in the pasture.
OK, oh carrot in my salt pan, yeah! trot, trot, oh, poo pile! I should roll!
Hey Major, come over here, have another carrot.
Oh boy, more carrot! 
Good, that distracted you a bit.
What, huh? Distracted? From what?
Nothing...you're just so clean and pretty...
Don't worry, I know I smell weird, I'll roll soon.
Just TRY to stay a little clean, I think you look and smell pretty.
I think you're the weird one...

conversation with Major: home

Ride time!
It's been a while.
I know, I'm busy at work and you were a little hurt.
My leg was broken.
No, you had a scrape and it was swollen, and I couldn't quite see if you were OK, so you got to rest. But it all looks good now.
I think it is still broken, and I should just eat grass on a walk.
You eat grass all day in your pasture.
It's not GOOD grass, it is OLD grass I have walked on.
We'll find you some good grass on the ride, how about that.
OK, you promised.

No, I'd rather not go there.
Is something out there?
No, I mean, yes. Monsters.
Um, no, I think you're being silly.
I'm not silly, you are silly who does not think there are monsters in the woods. At home there are not monsters.
We're still going to the lookout, it has been awhile.

Look, look, deer!
I see her, she is standing right there, you're fine.
Oh, I'm fine. Yeah, I knew that. I'm not afraid of deer.
I know, you're brave, let's keep going.
I think we should turn for home now, I'm traumatized.
Just pick up your feet and trot.
So much work, going away from home.

Oh, I like this sandy trail, TROT!
Seriously, the one time you need to walk, there are too many stabby branches. WHACK! Good thing I have a helmet on Major, slow down.
I don't have a helmet, maybe I need a helmet, my head is nice and pretty.
You don't need a helmet. You can duck and I'm way up here.
Fine, I will walk, but this is a fun canter hill.
Just wait, and we'll go soon.
Wheeee!
See, now we're at the top and we can rest. My shadow reminds me of Don Quixote.
What? Donkeys? Where?
No, my parents had a Don Quixote statue that was tall and skinny and looked like that, and kind-of freaked me out as a kid.
Should I freak out at the shadow-man?
No, you're fine, just stand.

You know, that is the way home.
I know.
That way.
Yes, I know.
I am looking towards home.
I know, good trail horse.
We could leave now.
We're fine. Just wait.
Now?
10 seconds later does not count as later. Just stand.
Fine. Standing. Waiting, mmm, dead grass.
You do not need to eat that.
You promised you'd get me a snack.
There isn't any good grass here, on the road home there is good stuff.
Home?
Yes, we can go now.

Oh, fun, let's go, trot trot, TROT!
Keep it reasonable dude, this is just a short easy ride, for relaxing, not working.
But we're going home now!
I know.
HOME.
Yes.
I do not think you understand.

See, yummy grass.
Not so sure.
You wanted green grass.
Maybe I don't like this.
Then let's walk on, we'll get you dinner at home.
OH, THIS grass. THIS grass is delicious. You should have said so. Let's just stay here.
We have to get home, and clean you up, and dinner is soon.
Home? No, I'm good, we can just stay here.

Seriously?
Yes Major. You can wear it.
I don't want to, I look silly.
I know, that's the best part.

conversations with Major: hike

whaaat?

Oh, Mom brought an apple, yeah! what a good day!
Let's go Major.
Hmmm, no saddle, this must mean a walk! Oh, a walk! I love just walks, we can eat grass and more grass and sniff poop. I think this grass right here looks good, I'll tell Mom...
Nope, keep walking.
OK, soon though?
Nope, we're hiking today.
What??? And not eating?
Yes, not eating.
But I'm starving!
You still had hay in your slow feeder.
Yes, but that is OLD hay, from this morning, this is GREEN grass, and is yummier.
Later, let's go.
Fine.

Walk...walk...drag....trot
Walk...walk...drag....trot
Come on Major, keep up!
You walk too fast. I AM keeping up.
Umm, you were a crazy man going home last night on our ride, and were easily walking this fast.
Exactly, THAT was going home.
Don't care, keep up.
Walk...walk...drag....trot
...sigh...

poison oak, so pretty and red! Indian Paintbrush and Pipevine.

What are we doing?
We're stopping so I can take a picture, lots of cool wildflowers out.
But there is no grass here! Just yucky bushes.
Oh well.
Oh well? It's a tragedy! We're stuck here forever with nothing to eat. hmmm, moss?
OK, let's go, this is the rock trail.
I know, this is hard, I have to go up and down and up and down and up...
Quiet. I'm walking too, you don't even have to carry my weight around.
Yeah, I've been meaning to say something...
Don't! Or no grass at all!

hmm, life cycle of a mountain stream, interesting...

Hey, this looks interesting, I can read!
No you can't.
But there's a picture...and grass below...
Let's go!
But I'm not done eating, I mean reading...

Oh, we're going home now, up the road! I see things over there making noise?
Kid on baseball field, "That's a big dog she's walking."
Coach: "They don't walk dogs in this neighborhood, they walk horses."

birdhouse in your soul...or ear?

not yummy, I don't even try to eat this.

(prancing) going home, going home, this is my going home dance...
Knock it off.
OK......going home, going...
Seriously, knock it off.
Fine. Oooh, grass!
Yes, we're close enough to home, have a snack.
Yeah, I haven't had grass in like forever.
We stopped at least 4 times and you ate!
What? Can't hear you, I'm eating.

my nose is a blur 'cause I'm eating so fast!