It started out as over-thinking training. It was coming up to the ride season, I was nervous again after a year-and-a-half break, so went back and read some books/articles. Of course they say I need to do X number of miles per week at X speed. Which I have never in my life been able to do, not the mileage or the speed. So the doubt crept in.
I haven’t done a successful ride in a year and a half. Last year I did no rides due to Major’s nasty abscess, then ulcers, then lack of finances due to treating aforementioned maladies. The year before I had a successful ride at Cache Creek, but was then waylaid by a badly glued boot (my own fault) and a random lameness. The circumstances soured me on the whole thing, but the drive remained…maybe.
Then I’ve had a crappy training schedule, and not enough time in the saddle to feel like tackling an upcoming 50. But maybe the 25? I feel like I am back to square one, knowing my horse is going to be awful (not looking forward to managing a race-brained idiot). I can’t even think of the fun things (horse camping, friends, seeing lovely trails) without the worry of managing my horse (will he even drink? eat? not be crazy?)
I know there is no certainty in horses, and endurance riding in particular. But I am not a person who thrives very well on the unknown. While I do not put plan to paper, I do always have something in my logical brain, some plan of how things will go. Which I can’t do for a ride, not at my current stage of training.
But I’m going to try. I’m going to be an anxious mess with a hot horse, not that much different than the green team we were a few years ago. Three years forward, two years back. But I hope we learned something along the way. I’ll see after this weekend...